The Classifieds 7

(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)


Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

The Classifieds 6

(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

The Classifieds 5

(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

The Classifieds 4

(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

The Classifieds 3

(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

The Classifieds 2

(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

The Classifieds

(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

 

Messages on signs seen round the world 12

In a swiss mountain inn:
 "Special today - no ice-cream."

Airline ticket office, copenhagen:
 "We take your bags and send them in all directions."

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
 "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."

A laundry in Rome:
 "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good Time."

Messages on signs seen round the world 11

Tourist agency, czechoslovakia: "take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages."

Advertisement for donkey rides, thailand: "Would you like to ride on your own ass?"

In the window on a swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin."

The box of a clockwork toy made in hong kong: "Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life."

Polynesia - Moorea, Bora Bora

Nepal - Kathmandu, Pashupatinat

photo: Janin

Messages on signs seen round the world 10

From the "soviet weekly":
"there will be a moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000 soviet republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."

In an east african newspaper:
 "a new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."


Hotel, vienna:
"in case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."

A sign posted in germany's black forest:
 "it is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for this purpose."

Messages on signs seen round the world 9

Hotel elevator, Paris:
 "Please leave your values at the front desk."

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
 "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."

 Supermarket, hong kong:
"for your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service."

 

Taken from a menu, Poland:
"Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten in the country people's fashion."
 

Messages on signs seen round the world 8

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for." 

In a Tokyo bar:
"Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."

Hotel brochure, Italy:
"This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude."

Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."

Messages on signs seen round the world 7

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
 "Do not activate with wet hands."

In a pumwani maternity ward:
 "No children allowed."

In a cemetery:
 "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
 "Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in bed."

Messages on signs seen round the world 6

On an Athi river highway:
 "Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

On a poster at kencom:
 "Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."
 

In a city restaurant:
 "Open seven days a week and weekends."

One of the mathare buildings:
 "Mental health prevention centre."



 

Messages on signs seen round the world 5

In a Bangkok temple:
 "it is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if dressed as a man."

Hotel, Acapulco:
 "the manager has personally passed all the water served here."

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
 "drop your trousers here for the best results.

Messages on signs seen round the world 4

A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
*
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

*
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
*
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

Messages on signs seen round the world 3

Hotel, Japan: 
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
*
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: 
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

*
Hotel, Zurich: 
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
*
Advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: 
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

Messages on signs seen round the world: 2

On the grounds of a Nairobi private school: NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
*
In Amchi Mumbai restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
*
In a Japanese cemetery!: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

*
In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
*
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

Messages on signs seen round the world:

Cocktail lounge, Norway: 
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
*
At a Budapest ZOO: 
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
*

Doctor's office, Rome: 
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
*
In a Nairobi restaurant: 
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

Ridiculous travel insurance claims 2

We present the most ridiculous travel insurance claims made by holidaymakers.

- A pensioner, whose false teeth fell out while he vomited over the side of a cruise ship, put in a claim to his travel insurers for new dentures under “lost baggage”.

- Two holidaymakers in Devon filed a claim for damage to the paintwork of their car after it was licked by a herd of cows.


- Two children in Cornwall buried their parents’ video camera in the sand to prevent it from being stolen whilst they went swimming, but could not remember where. Thankfully, the insurers paid out.

- “A deer headbutted the windscreen of my car, after being enticed by the yellow tax disc," another insurance claims form read.

Ridiculous travel insurance claims

Concerns about the sand being too white, anger at too many fish being in the sea...

One envious holidaymaker complained that his friend’s three-bedroom apartment was “clearly bigger” than his one-bedroom place... 

while others could not hide their frustration that it took them nine hours to fly back to England from Jamaica when it only took the American travellers a mere three hours to get home.

One Briton complained that the £3.50 pair of Ray Ban sunglasses bought from a street vendor, proved to be fake... 
another that his travel agent had failed to tell him to wear swimming trunks for his trip to a water park... 
while another tour operator was criticised for not telling a traveller that mosquitos could, in fact, bite.

Among the more jingoistic grievances were that there were too many Spanish people being in Spain and too much curry served in restaurants in India.